Accusations

I knew what I had done as soon as the door closed. 

I had ruined it forever, I had lost him. He was never coming back! Not now, not after what I had done, not after what I had said.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I let a growl escape from my lips.

“You stupid idiot!”

I grabbed my coffee cup and hurled it across the room, the shards danced across the kitchen floor.

I sat there, staring at the door for what felt like days. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes rolled into hours; until eight o’clock rolled into two o'clock.

Shaking my head and wiping my eyes on the arm of my sleeve I came out of my daze. I couldn’t just sit here; I had to go after him. I had to make him understand. Show him the errors of my ways. Beg him for forgiveness.

I went to get up but my legs wouldn't move. I still had some pent up tension inside of me. Going after him now would just cause another fight.

Seriously how stupid could I be? How could I accuse him of something so horrid? He wouldn’t do that to me. He just wouldn't.

This is what happens when you let other people influence you. Putting stupid thoughts in your head and creating stupid ideas.

I mean there had to be answers to the doubts that ran across my mind there just had to. The 30 calls to and from Shelly were explainable. She was his work colleague; they had to call each other, they had to discuss work. The faint scent of perfume on his shirt, explainable too. He was around a lot of women on a daily basis and he’d always been really friendly. It must have rubbed off onto his shirt when he was interacting with them; in a non-sexual way of course. Even the late nights at the office and the two showers a day were explainable. It was all explainable.

I shouldn’t have shouted. I shouldn’t have implied.

The look on his eyes as he walked away just killed me. Killed me deep down inside. I knew then that things would never be the same after that. They couldn’t. How could we go back to normal after I had just accused him of the biggest betrayal of all? How could my husband look into my eyes again knowing that all he would ever see was mistrust?

I should have just kept it to myself. Why should I ever have doubted him? All he ever did was love me, just truly love me wholeheartedly. And what had I done? Spat it back at him in a few short words.

I picked my phone up and dialled. After two short rings he answered.

“Have you calmed down now?” he asked coolly.

“I’m sorry,” I wailed, “I should… I should never have said it.”

“It’s not that you said it Tara,” he replied, “it’s that you thought it, it’s that you let them busy body friends of yours plant that idea in your head and you went with it.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” I sobbed, tears streaming down my face, “if I could take it back you know I would.”

“Well you can’t can you what’s done is done.”

“Are you coming home tonight?” I pondered.

“I dunno… look Tara can we discuss this later I’m at work and… look we’ll talk about it when I’m done okay.”

“Okay, oh and Rob.”    

                                                      

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Silence.

“Rob I said I love you.”

“I know,” he finally responded.

“But you didn’t say it back, you always say it back,” I whimpered.

“Look Tara I got to go.”

He hung up on me.

That said it all. He had never not said I love you back. I had obviously caused him a lot more pain than I had initially thought. This was the icing on the top of the cake; the final nail in the coffin. After five years together, two married. It was over.

I got up and began to pick up the broken coffee cup pieces. A shard sliced my hand and I ran to the sink to wash away the blood. I stood there, willing the pain from the wound and the pain in my heart to go away, but it didn’t and the pain just grew stronger. It took over my whole body until I was a crumpled mess down by the side of the sink. I began to sob, the sobs became heavier with every breathe that I took.

I started to hyperventilate and struggled to breath. The sobs from inside of me became heavier and I felt the bile in my stomach rise to my throat. I quickly got up and burst through the kitchen door, bounding up the stairs and into the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet.

Flushing, I got up and looked in the bathroom mirror; I looked a right state. My usually pristine blonde hair was matted with sweat and strands were stuck to my face with remnants of vomit stuck to them. Fresh tears had replaced dry caked on streaks and snot was everywhere; I looked like an extra on a horror movie.  I let out another wail.

Why? Why? Why?

I splashed water on my face, allowing the coolness to soothe the heat of my blood red eyes.

I left the bathroom and walked into our bedroom. 

Picking up one of Rob’s discarded shirts, on the floor from the night before; I deeply inhaled it, ignoring the faint whiff of a flowery scent. I walked over to the bed peeled back the covers and proceeded to curl up into the foetal position, still cradling the shirt.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew. The bedroom door flung open and the room plunged into brightness.

Straining my eyes, I made out Rob’s figure heaving a suitcase down from on top of the wardrobe.

Getting up I launched at his back and clung onto him. He swatted away at me and I finally let go, falling back onto the bed.

“You’re leaving me, I knew it! I said you would leave me!” I screamed.

“It’s just for a few days, I need some space, need to clear my head,” came his response, as he began to pack his clothes into the suitcase and other bags.

“When will you come home?” I pleaded, looking at the amount of clothes he was packing. There seemed to be a lot more clothes for just a few days.

“I dunno,” he replied.

“Well where will you stay?”

“Does it matter?” he replied.

“Please just tell me,” I urged.

“Okay if you must know with Shelly.”

“Sh-shelly,” I spluttered, “you’re staying with HER!”

“Here we go again…” 

“No,no,” I begged, “ I just want to know why you’re staying with her and not one of your mates.”

“Because she offered,” he replied.

“You told her about our fight?”

“She could see that I was upset.”

“And you just told her, just like that!”

“See this is the reason why I need space,” he said getting more agitated, “it’s your crazy accusations and maddening suspicions that are tearing us apart, you’re hurting our marriage not me.”

Rob had finished his packing, he moved towards the door, but I jumped in front of it and got down on my knees begging with mercy.

“Please don’t go, please don’t leave me, I love you. You love me too right, right Rob. You love me too don’t you?”

Rob just looked at me. He put the suitcase and bags down, picked me up, placed me back on the bed, and picked the suitcase and bags back up and walked out the door; without saying a word.

I knew what I had done as soon as the door closed. I had ruined it forever.